Family, Life, Uncategorized

Live a good full life and don’t look back


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I lost a baby brother 8 years ago. Okay, he wasnt a baby, but he was 8 years younger than me. He was 18. In a lot of ways it made me have to grow up and take care of some serius business for my mom. What it taught me the most was to appreciate life. People often tell me that I am always “so positive” and that if they called me when they were down, they felt better at the end of our conversation. I feel good about that. I work hard on “self development” to make myself that way but I truly beleive that the gifts I share are from Creator God and not from myself.

I looked at my Matthew & Leon tattoo yesterday, (Leon was my cousin, also 18 years old when he died, 14 months after Matthew, they were best friends), and I started crying and could not stop. I havent looked at this tattoo in a long time, the way I did last night. It was as if something jumped out to me to say “Hey, Remember!” and it occoured to me that with all of my heart and all of my wishes, I am meant to have the most fulfilling good life, because life is so short and it breaks my heart that Matthew and Leon didnt have a chance to make that declaration in their life.

Matthew and Leon, two aboriginal boys grown up in the North End, learning, maybe slowly or not at all, the possibilities of life. Maybe thay had hopes and dreams and wishes, that they never had the chance to develop into words, yet alone actions. Maybe they didnt know that they could have dreams. Because no one told me that when I was 18.

Today I dream big. Sometimes I think “maybe I should shut up? I havent accomplished a lot on my list of goals.” But maybe I should keep going and keep beleiving that I can reach those goals. Maybe I can’t tell Matthew and Leon that they can be anything they want to be, but I do ask most young people I meet “What do you want to do when you graduate high school?”. My intention with that question is to plants two seeds: 1. Me, graduate high school? and 2. What will I do after high school? Again, I ask these questions because no one ever asked me that when I was 18.

One of my many goals is to make life fun, rich and peaceful and do what I want to do and not to let obstacles stop me. I want to speak my mind and know and accept that I can be incredible. I always beleive that life can only get better and all the dreams and desires in our hearts are only for us and we give life to those dreams if we want to. I wish for everyone world peace, just kidding, I wish that people would be more confident in the fact that they can be awesome, and not let obstacles stop you and feel like you have to succumb your dreams to the views of what other people think.

I have lots of dreams.

Life

Decisions


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It took me a while to really catch the “twitter” fever and actually tweet on a (semi) regular basis. I thought about blogging a long time ago because I have thoughts I want to share, but procrastinate (the formula for failure) because I think I don’t have the time or won’t be able to complete a paragraph with one thought. Another reason is that because most of every activity I start, I am sure to be interrupted by one of my three boys! So here I am again, blogging. I made a decision. I am going to do less worrying about “I will have to do too much editing before I want anyone to read it”. Reason being, maybe no one will read it anyway. Maybe blogging is like the old version of “dear diary”, which I didn’t trust because “What if someone read it?” How ironic!

My reason for writing today is not about whether or not I will blog. I have decided I will blog. I have been listening to different life coaching/motivating speakers, one that started with watching The Secret. One of my most wonderful best friends came over about three years ago with her portable DVD player and the DVD The Secret that she had borrowed from the library, (A place that I think is an incredible resource and I wish I would have learned that as a child. Note to self: teach children this value,) and she said “I want you to watch this with me”, and that was it. I was obsessed. The messages gave me hope and reasoning. I was proud to find that a lot of the principals were natural instincts that I used in my life already. I just didn’t know it and I didn’t know that they had a name and that I could actually focus them to mold my advantages. I chose a couple of the speakers that shared messages I liked, in The Secret and, I did some research on them, and read their books and implemented their messages in my life.

At this point I am unemployed for 9 months, mind you I have my first university courses in that time. It has been a very emotional roller-coaster for me. I am very thankful to have a wonderful man in my life to help support me through this time, It’s important to have people in your life that support your dreams. My thoughts are always all over, jumping from one spot to the next. I’m finding that the key is to reign them in, (write them down?) and do something with them.  A lot of my personal mind growth has come from accepting the fact that my income has gone down by 50%, and that’s hard to accept when you are raising a family. I’ve applied for pretty big number of jobs, a number that I won’t share at this moment, and the rejection of not getting the first few jobs, hurt! I thought I was a catch.

Starting this week, I decided to make more decisions. I have LOTS of plans and LOTS of ideas. One of them is to start MyScript group. I’ll talk more about that next time… I have a 6 year old calling me right now.

Family

“History is history” -grandpa


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I spent some time ‘interviewing’ gramma and grampa today. I wanted to know more about their childhood because they didn’t volunteer their stories. I wanted to hear what their thoughts were on what kind of changes they had seen in the world in their day. I didnt prepare a script, I just asked questions as they seemed to fit. I didnt find out a whole lot of new information but that my great grandpa Shorting picked and sold seneca root. Gramma grew up in the city after age 2. Her family would go home for the summer but there were never any kids around. When she asked where they were, she was told “they are at school”. Some cousins she never saw again.

Grandpa made a few comments but said to me “dont write that down”.

On the other hand, his dad told him to find out how his great relatives worked with Lious Riel.

parent

Happy Birthday


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This morning I crawled into my son’s double size bed. I said “15 years ago today, you were a chubby little baby that I could hold on my lap. Now you’re huge and all muscle”. My son is a young man and I am very proud that he is becoming the young man I expected him to be, I imagined him as an intelligent, strong, confident leader.

I had my first son when I was 19 years old. I hadn’t finished school yet but St. Johns High School let me bring him while I finished. I made it on the honour roll for the first time in my life. I realized that I now had someone to be responsible for and I wanted to give him ‘all the things I never had’, just like most parents, and I also wanted him to not have to deal with all of the challenges I had, growing up in the north end.

He was a good child, funny and witty, not too stubborn. When he was 9 years old, I suddenly found myself to be a single parent. I had two more children with dad but he had then decided to move on. Soon my eldest son had a new responsibility of helping me raise his two younger brothers. He was an excellent worker but slowly began to challenge me and when he reached the age 12, our relationship hit a bit of a rocky stage and I didn’t know who he was anymore. I searched for help and advice on how to relate to my pre-teen son, I didn’t want to lose him. I’ve invested so much into him and I committed to never give up. It was hard to get the right advice but I asked all my friends and called every 1-800 number or youth/parent support line. It was one of my close friends that told me “he will be like an alien for a while but he will come back. Just keep telling him you love him.” And with the support of my new boyfriend, who advised me “I’ve never had a teenage son but I’ve been a 13 year old boy”, I made it through. With lots and lots of tears. And one day, he came back to me! Today, he is a strong committed team player. He study’s when there is nothing else to do. He picks up his brothers from daycare and feeds them dinner when I ask him to. He thanks me for every meal and tells me what’s going on with kids at school. He listens to motivational speakers and makes goals. He reaches goals. I am so proud of him and I can’t tell him without crying because he means so much to me that I don’t know the right words to use to express it. He is the son I knew he would be. Happy 15th Birthday honey.